Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let's have A different position where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities

Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Area Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down company."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk Trump Tower Damascus has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."